If you were a child of the ‘90s, you know there was one film that stood above all others—a cinematic work of art that changed the way we viewed gangland crime, martial arts, and grown men in full-body rubber turtle suits.
I’m talking, of course, about the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)—a film so impossibly cool that it remains, to this day, the greatest live-action adaptation of anything ever made.
And if you disagree? That’s fine. You’re just wrong.
Look, modern movies have lost something, and I know exactly what it is. Tangible, practical effects. I don’t care how “realistic” your CGI is—if my brain knows I’m looking at a 3D-rendered abomination, I automatically care less about what’s happening on screen.
But in 1990? We had actual human beings sweating their asses off in full rubber turtle suits designed by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop.
And those suits looked incredible.
Each turtle had distinctive facial expressions, fluid movement, and actual weight to them—something no amount of motion capture can replicate. There’s just something so much more believable about a dude in a rubber suit performing martial arts in a dingy New York alley than a CGI mutant doing backflips off a skyscraper.
And let’s be honest—if you’re going to tell me that Michael Bay’s nightmare fuel versions of the Turtles looked “better” than these guys, I don’t want to know you.
As for the movie itself overall, sure, some details in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) may scream “hey kids, the ’90s are here!”—like cassette Walkmans, chunky payphones, and a gang of criminals that look like they just got rejected from a Double Dragon game. But everything else? It still works.
The action sequences? Brutal and impressive.
The dialogue? Sharp and hilarious.
The atmosphere? Way grittier than it had any right to be.
This wasn’t just some cartoonish cash grab—this movie took itself seriously while still delivering the perfect balance of humor and action. It’s Dark Knight levels of moody, but instead of a billionaire in a bat costume, we get four sewer-dwelling ninja turtles fighting an entire crime syndicate.
Which is objectively better.
Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) kicked off a live-action trilogy—one that, like most things in life, got weirder and more questionable over time.
- The Secret of the Ooze (1991) leaned a little more into the cartoon side of things, and I can respect that. But let’s be real—the lack of actual weapons in the fight scenes was a crime.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) sent the turtles to feudal Japan, because apparently someone had a fever dream that involved samurai and time travel. It was delightful nonsense, but also the beginning of the end.
No, John, Secret of the Ooze is not, and never will be better than the first film.
The real crime? As the series went on, the Turtles started looking… weird. Their faces got softer, more human-like, and their overall design just lost that badass edge from the first movie.
And honestly, I get it. Studios probably thought the Turtles should be more child-friendly in order to appeal to their parents’ wallets—but if we were already cool with mutant sewer reptiles wielding deadly weapons, I don’t think anyone was losing sleep over their faces being a little too intimidating. In fact, I would argue that Michael Bay’s vision for the Turtles caused far more psychological harm than anything these guys did in the ’90s. Just look at this trauma-inducing turtle sh*t:
I’ve said it before, I will say it again; If there’s one thing Hollywood needs to do, it’s ditch the CGI monstrosities and go back to practical effects.
Could the 1990 suits use some modern-day enhancements? Sure. I’m not saying we revert back to foam shells that sometimes looked like they were made out of couch cushions. I’d even accept some minor CGI touch-ups if it meant keeping the core integrity of the physical suits.
But the bottom line? Nothing beats real-life costumes, real martial artists, and real stunt work.
While we’re talking about what made this movie legendary, let’s take a second to appreciate Josh Pais.
This man did something no one else on set could do—he both VOICED and PERFORMED in the Raphael suit. That means while every other turtle had separate stunt performers, Pais was out there sweating, fighting, and delivering lines all at once.
And yes, Kevin Clash deserves love too for playing Splinter, but Josh Pais? Absolute legend.
Back in 1990, critics absolutely dunked on this film, calling it “juvenile” and “nonsensical.”
Well, joke’s on them, because this movie made over $200 million at the box office on a $13.5 million budget.
That’s an absurd profit margin, meaning two things:
- The critics were clueless.
- The people knew greatness when they saw it.
And guess what? Thirty years later, this movie still rules.
Look, I know the odds of Hollywood actually listening to me and bringing back the live-action suits again are basically zero, but I refuse to stop believing that one day, some genius filmmaker with actual taste will recognize what we lost and bring back the rubber-suited Turtles. And if that day ever comes?
I’ll be first in line on opening night.
