According to the streaming behemoth’s latest press release (which reads more like an overconfident eulogy), Netflix has officially greenlit a live-action adaptation of Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed, the globally beloved series that debuted in 2007 and has since sold over 230 million copies. And as fans, we can rest assured that they will definitely respect the source material, the fans, and certainly will not take creative liberties and turn Desmond or Ezio into an autistic pansexual social media influencer with pink hair.
Who are we kidding? They are totally going to do that, aren’t they?
Roberto Patino (DMZ, Westworld, Sons of Anarchy) and David Wiener (Halo, Homecoming, The Killing) will serve as showrunners, which is honestly a coin toss between “maybe it’ll be competent” and “another steaming heap of lore-agnostic nonsense.” The duo assures us that this is more than parkour and hidden blades — it’s a deeply human tale about connection, identity, purpose, sex, violence, greed, and apparently every theme they could think of while trapped in a word cloud generator.
The series will span “pivotal historical events” — which sounds promising, until you remember Netflix’s historical accuracy record includes turning Resident Evil’s Raccoon City into a YA teen drama and transforming The Witcher’s complex medieval politics into Hot Topic cosplay fan fiction.
But don’t worry, Peter Friedlander, Netflix’s VP of Scripted Series, swears this adaptation “honors the legacy” of the franchise. That would be reassuring if “honoring the legacy” wasn’t the same thing they said before Geralt of Rivia got reduced to a grunting background extra while the writers chased side quests like “Make Yennefer a Fire Mage Now.”
Let’s also not forget that this series has been “nearly five years in the making.” Which, given Netflix’s track record, means they probably just spent four of those years arguing over whether the Animus should be a literal time machine or a talking drone voiced by Jack Black.
On the bright side, Ubisoft is deeply involved. Because when you think of storytelling excellence, you absolutely think of the company that turned Assassin’s Creed Unity into a bug-infested French farce and once made an entire game where you fight Templars in a pirate ship singing sea shanties (Black Flag was awesome — that one gets a pass).
Look, Assassin’s Creed could work. The concept is genius: historical assassins battling secret overlords, reliving ancestral memories through sci-fi VR gear. But if Netflix screws this up — and given their resume, that’s about as likely as their writers saying “f*ck the source material” — they won’t just ruin a franchise. They’ll prove they’ve mastered the ancient Templar art of completely missing the point.
Still, fingers crossed. Maybe this time they’ll manage to get it right, or maybe just maybe, they’ll accidentally respect with the source material. But we doubt it.
